It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
