i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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