Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
