dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
