and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
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