you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
