i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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