By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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