I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
