im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
