guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
