and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
