Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
