textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm like, not good at living.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
