I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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