I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
