ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
