my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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