porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
