I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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