i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
