I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
