Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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