I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
