If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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