im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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