he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
