do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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