I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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