my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
