I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
