i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
