Screwed.edu
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
