Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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