I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
