Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
