Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
