they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize