There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
