that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize