how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
