I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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