she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
