1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
