So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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