By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
