Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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