so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
