Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
