I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
