going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
