I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
