man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
