I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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