i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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