I cockslap morals
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
