Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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