You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
