Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
