Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I AM VODKA MAN
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
